Please Forgive Me....

 December 2010

From the book The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, [Written to her daughter, in heaven] "I want to wake up and find you here. But you are so far away and becoming even more distant in my memory, and it is so painful… Forgive me for going on with life without you… It just keeps moving farther and farther away....".

To my little M - I want to wake up and find you in my arms, look down at your little face - and not just at a picture...and though, I will never forget holding you in my arms, with every passing day, that moment becomes further and further away....and that hurts, and that scares me...

After first loosing you, I used to feel very guilty every time I happen to smile or to laugh, thinking you might think I have already moved on, forgotten, no longer cared...but I have come to realize that you would want to see me smile, to be happy, to move on...but it scares me...I don't want to forget you...I want to remember every detail of your little face, your fingers, your toes...but I know that with every day that passes, my memories become more and more distant....that moment is slowly fading away...

So please forgive me for smiling...for laughing...I am moving on, but I have not forgotten...I never will...

I still ache for my little girl, and I know I always will...I may not realize it every day, but deep down, my heart will always be broken, a piece of me will always be missing, the longing to have my little girl, forever present...but in this pain I feel close to my beauitful Méli...