March 21st, 2011, what a day that will be...the day we finally hold our miracle boy...
This has been a long journey for us...we have been waiting for this little guy for so long...its almost hard to believe that it is coming to an end...and this time, a happy end....
The end is now so close...or should I say, the beginning....except for six weeks, I have been pregnant for the past 14 months....a much longer journey then we could ever have imagined...and yet the thought of no longer being pregnant, brings tears to my eyes....
I love being pregnant, watching me belly change, knowing a little life is silently growing inside me...hearing the heart beat for the first time - takes your breathe away....feeling this miracle moving inside you...spending hours watching the movements - the waves across my belly- a little foot, the head...this part of our journey will be over...I will miss it so much...
But what lies ahead...finally meeting our little one...holding him...looking into his eyes....pressing my lips to his little head...
There will be no words for that moment...
What a day that will be...
Unbelievable...
Butterfly Visits
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Hockey Mom
February 2011
I encourage them and give them thumbs up when our eyes meet...
And as I watch my boys, my eyes filled with tears, my heart full of pride...
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| Olivier |
I get up early and spend most evenings and week-ends sitting in a cold arena...
I sit at the edge of my seat, my stomach in knots, as I watch my two oldest sons step onto the ice...
I scream, I clap, I blow my horn...
We aren't home much and spend hours driving from town to town, from arena to arena...
I am a hockey mom...
I know, that I wouldn't change it for the world...
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| Joshua |
Happy Day
February 2011
Today I can't stop smiling...my heart is happy.
We had our big ultrasound to check on our little man...and he is doing great...I still can't get used to hearing those words....
We were able to see his little nose, his mouth, those little hands and tiny feet...there he was...perfect in every way...weighing 4 1/2 pounds - which after holding my daughter, sounds huge...
I wonder if I could be any happier....
34 weeks...hard to believe we have made it so far together...only 3 weeks to go...and I will finally be holding you...what a day that will be...
Today I can't stop smiling...my heart is happy.
We had our big ultrasound to check on our little man...and he is doing great...I still can't get used to hearing those words....
We were able to see his little nose, his mouth, those little hands and tiny feet...there he was...perfect in every way...weighing 4 1/2 pounds - which after holding my daughter, sounds huge...
I wonder if I could be any happier....
34 weeks...hard to believe we have made it so far together...only 3 weeks to go...and I will finally be holding you...what a day that will be...
Unbelievable
February 2011
We have officially chosen our sons name...we have had to add a few middle names to make all members of the family happy...but we have agreed that it will be perfect...
We have passed so many milestones...holding our breathe along the way...we have overcome many scares, where the thought of loosing him hung over our heads and made our hearts stop...and yet, here we are...still holding on...still together...
As a friend so well put it, each of my boys has been rejoiced over and cried over at their births...each a milestone...a marker of complete happiness in my life...but this...THIS...just unbelievable...
We have officially chosen our sons name...we have had to add a few middle names to make all members of the family happy...but we have agreed that it will be perfect...
We have passed so many milestones...holding our breathe along the way...we have overcome many scares, where the thought of loosing him hung over our heads and made our hearts stop...and yet, here we are...still holding on...still together...
As a friend so well put it, each of my boys has been rejoiced over and cried over at their births...each a milestone...a marker of complete happiness in my life...but this...THIS...just unbelievable...
To CD or Not no CD that is the Question...
2011
I never thought I would spend so much time thinking about diapers...and not just any diapers...cloth diapers...
I never thought I would be one of those moms considering putting my baby in cloth diapers...and yet, here I am...
I have learned all there is to know about CD's...pockets, AIO's, prefolds, hybrids....how to prep, how to wash, how to dry...the ups, the downs, the ins and outs...and I have become excited by the very thought...
Funny, how I never thought I would get so excited by a diaper...
But sometimes I wonder, is it really the practicality, the money, the concern for our environment that is driving me towards the world of cloth diapers...or simply, the cuteness factor....hmmmm...
I never thought I would spend so much time thinking about diapers...and not just any diapers...cloth diapers...
I never thought I would be one of those moms considering putting my baby in cloth diapers...and yet, here I am...
I have learned all there is to know about CD's...pockets, AIO's, prefolds, hybrids....how to prep, how to wash, how to dry...the ups, the downs, the ins and outs...and I have become excited by the very thought...
Funny, how I never thought I would get so excited by a diaper...
But sometimes I wonder, is it really the practicality, the money, the concern for our environment that is driving me towards the world of cloth diapers...or simply, the cuteness factor....hmmmm...
Moving Forward...
2011
Though the very thought still frightens us...and whether our emotions are ready or not...we have decided, that the time has come to move forward...to start preparing for this new little one...
To be so excited about buying little pyjamas, tiny socks, a stuffed bear for his room...and yet so scared that I will find myself putting them back into a box...never worn...
But it is time...time to put our fears aside...time to hold onto hope...time to have faith...time to believe...time to move forward...
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| His little bear Marley... because this new little miracle has come to Light up our Darkness... |
My Rock...
2011
He has been by my side through it all...
He was my rock when my world crumbled around me...
Your support, your strength, your encouragements, your tears, your smile, your patience, your hugs, your words, your silence, your love...all of this, all of it, has helped me more than you could possibly imagine...
Thank you for believing in angels with me...
You mean the world to me...
I will love you forever...every day of forever...
He has been by my side through it all...
He was my rock when my world crumbled around me...
Your support, your strength, your encouragements, your tears, your smile, your patience, your hugs, your words, your silence, your love...all of this, all of it, has helped me more than you could possibly imagine...
 |
| My best friend...my husband...Benoit |
You gave me the strength to get up every morning and take care of the boys...
You continued to support me, even when the world around us had already seemed to have forgotten...
You are a wonderful husband...the best dad to our boys...
Thank you for believing in angels with me...
You mean the world to me...
I will love you forever...every day of forever...
Our Little Flag Bearer
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| Olivier |
With pride in my heart and tears in my eyes, I watched my son Olivier step onto the ice at the Bell Center...
22 000 screaming fans watched as he skated around the ice and waved the famous flag...he stood mesmerized, his eyes shinning, as he watched the Montreal Canadiens, HIS heroes, step onto the ice beside him....
A day forever etched in his little mind....a moment he will never forget....
And as the song Fix You by Coldplay plays on the radio, my eyes fill with tears...as I remember that moment....
 |
| Instant tears in mommy's eyes... |
 |
| The Montreal Canadiens entrance...His heroes |
Mommy's Little Helper
2010
 |
| Jacob |
My little man...so eager to help...wanting to be as big as his brothers...melting my heart...Mommy's little helper...
 |
| Mommy's little helper |
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
First Day of School
2010
Time goes by so fast...I want to be able to push pause, to have it standstill, if for only just a moment...
Joshua...our little Joshie...got on the big yellow school bus today...and this mommy's heart crumbled...having to let go, to wave good-bye...a first step into the big world....
Time goes by so fast...I want to be able to push pause, to have it standstill, if for only just a moment...
Joshua...our little Joshie...got on the big yellow school bus today...and this mommy's heart crumbled...having to let go, to wave good-bye...a first step into the big world....
My Shells
2010
Every day I wear around my neck, my precious shells...
Filled with sand from where their names were written, my shell necklace allows me to feel close to my angels...
I am carrying a piece of Heaven with me...
Every day I wear around my neck, my precious shells...
Filled with sand from where their names were written, my shell necklace allows me to feel close to my angels...
I am carrying a piece of Heaven with me...
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| Your kindness has touched my heart...Thank you Sue Jordan.... |
Letting Go of a Dream...
December 2010
I couldn't be happier to be carrying this new little miracle...my baby boy...
But at the same time, I am having to let go of a dream that I have been carrying since I was a little girl...
I guess I always assumed that one day I would be buying dresses with frills and ballet slippers...that I would be tying up hair with little pink bows and telling stories of princesses...but that day will never come...
As soon as a mother finds out she is pregnant, she is already in love...she is already planning...she can already picture herself holding her baby...this new baby becomes apart of her...forever...
And so when this new mom finds out she is carrying a little girl...that little girl is painted into her life...she imagines a pink blanket lying on a chair...she can picture pink curtains hanging in the windows...she starts thinking of dresses and bows...
This is what I am having to let go of...When you have painted a little girl into your life, its not easy to erase...so today, though I am feeling truly blessed and excited and already madly in love with my little boy...I am having to let go of a dream...
I couldn't be happier to be carrying this new little miracle...my baby boy...
But at the same time, I am having to let go of a dream that I have been carrying since I was a little girl...
I guess I always assumed that one day I would be buying dresses with frills and ballet slippers...that I would be tying up hair with little pink bows and telling stories of princesses...but that day will never come...
As soon as a mother finds out she is pregnant, she is already in love...she is already planning...she can already picture herself holding her baby...this new baby becomes apart of her...forever...
And so when this new mom finds out she is carrying a little girl...that little girl is painted into her life...she imagines a pink blanket lying on a chair...she can picture pink curtains hanging in the windows...she starts thinking of dresses and bows...
This is what I am having to let go of...When you have painted a little girl into your life, its not easy to erase...so today, though I am feeling truly blessed and excited and already madly in love with my little boy...I am having to let go of a dream...
Boy Oh Boy!
December 2010
Its official, we have another boy on the way!
Its official, we have another boy on the way!
I am amazed how this little boy
that I haven't even met,
yet have always known,
has already stolen my heart...
Monday, February 21, 2011
Please Forgive Me....
December 2010
From the book The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, [Written to her daughter, in heaven] "I want to wake up and find you here. But you are so far away and becoming even more distant in my memory, and it is so painful… Forgive me for going on with life without you… It just keeps moving farther and farther away....".
To my little M - I want to wake up and find you in my arms, look down at your little face - and not just at a picture...and though, I will never forget holding you in my arms, with every passing day, that moment becomes further and further away....and that hurts, and that scares me...
After first loosing you, I used to feel very guilty every time I happen to smile or to laugh, thinking you might think I have already moved on, forgotten, no longer cared...but I have come to realize that you would want to see me smile, to be happy, to move on...but it scares me...I don't want to forget you...I want to remember every detail of your little face, your fingers, your toes...but I know that with every day that passes, my memories become more and more distant....that moment is slowly fading away...
So please forgive me for smiling...for laughing...I am moving on, but I have not forgotten...I never will...
I still ache for my little girl, and I know I always will...I may not realize it every day, but deep down, my heart will always be broken, a piece of me will always be missing, the longing to have my little girl, forever present...but in this pain I feel close to my beauitful Méli...
From the book The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, [Written to her daughter, in heaven] "I want to wake up and find you here. But you are so far away and becoming even more distant in my memory, and it is so painful… Forgive me for going on with life without you… It just keeps moving farther and farther away....".
To my little M - I want to wake up and find you in my arms, look down at your little face - and not just at a picture...and though, I will never forget holding you in my arms, with every passing day, that moment becomes further and further away....and that hurts, and that scares me...
After first loosing you, I used to feel very guilty every time I happen to smile or to laugh, thinking you might think I have already moved on, forgotten, no longer cared...but I have come to realize that you would want to see me smile, to be happy, to move on...but it scares me...I don't want to forget you...I want to remember every detail of your little face, your fingers, your toes...but I know that with every day that passes, my memories become more and more distant....that moment is slowly fading away...
So please forgive me for smiling...for laughing...I am moving on, but I have not forgotten...I never will...
I still ache for my little girl, and I know I always will...I may not realize it every day, but deep down, my heart will always be broken, a piece of me will always be missing, the longing to have my little girl, forever present...but in this pain I feel close to my beauitful Méli...
A New Beginning...
November 2010
156...what a beautiful number to hear...the sound of the heartbeat of our new miracle...
We were blessed to find out that we are expecting a new little one once again...I want to be happy and excited...but I am scared to death....I thought about guarding my heart this time around - of not getting attatched so quickly to this life I have growing inside me...but you have no control over feelings...and I fell in love the moment I saw those two lines....I have decided to love this baby like I have never lost...this baby deserves our love, deserves us to be excited...its not easy - but I am taking one day at a time - and praying a whole lot...My boys and my dear husband want so hard to believe...they want so hard to let themselves get attached once again...but the fear is there...its all around us....Every time I come home from the doctors, I see it in their eyes as they look into mine...wondering...their little hearts praying we still have a baby...and I also see the relief come across their tiny face as I answer with tears in my eyes...yes...yes...
Every morning, I pull out my doppler...and hold my breathe...but there it it is, the most amazing sound in the world...My doppler is what is helping me get through my days...one day at a time...
Hold on tight little one...hold on tight....
Butterflies....
June 2010
Remembering....
Missing....
Remembering....
Missing....
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| To write their names in the sand - Carly Marie |
A New Little Angel
May 2010
Having to say good-bye before even saying hello....
We once again received the worst news yesterday...our new little angel received her wings...
We are in shock and completely heartbroken...never expecting to have to go through this once again.
I went for my regular doctors appointment yesterday morning and my doctor was unable to find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. At that moment I knew it was over....He brought me in to do an ultrasound....there lay still my beautiful baby girl, measuring at 18 weeks....but without a heartbeat....This couldn't be happening to me again....not twice in a year...no.....
I am just so broken, so crushed....Its hard for me to understand how the world around me can keep on turning when mine has come to a standstill.....My perfect little world....
I delivered my little girl and held her in my hands....she was so beautiful...so perfect....I will never forget that moment...
After delivering my daughter, things went downhill very fast. I was rushed to the hospital. I fought so hard to hold on, but I knew I was slipping away...I am blessed to still be here today and to be able to hold my boys in my arms....but this does not make the pain from loosing my little girl any easier...
What I am feeling is so different this time around....last time I was in complete shock - and I walked around numb...this time it is complete sadness...just so tired and so sad...the world is turning around me and I just stand still, lost in my memories, tears rolling down my face...
Reality is starting to set in now....my little girl is gone and she's not coming back....
I just don't know how to move on from here.....I know I will have to go through some testing to find out why I can longer carry these babies....I so deperatly want another baby...but I must admit.....I am scared to death. I couldn't handle another loss, I can't even handle this one....
I am trying so hard to smile around my boys - not to let them see me so sad....but inside I am broken and I am having a real hard time getting back up this time...wondering if I really want to....I know that time doesn't take away the pain, but with time you learn to live with it and you move on....
I hold my babies in my heart, even though I can't hold them in my arms.....
We are reliving our nightmare from last year...we can’t understand...
We are crushed...all we can do right now is hold on to each other and those around us and pray that we find comfort and strength...
To our little girl – you will always be a part of our family, we loved you from the start and will forever miss you...
Méliange Godmer
2010-05-21
Having to say good-bye before even saying hello....
We once again received the worst news yesterday...our new little angel received her wings...
We are in shock and completely heartbroken...never expecting to have to go through this once again.
I went for my regular doctors appointment yesterday morning and my doctor was unable to find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. At that moment I knew it was over....He brought me in to do an ultrasound....there lay still my beautiful baby girl, measuring at 18 weeks....but without a heartbeat....This couldn't be happening to me again....not twice in a year...no.....
I am just so broken, so crushed....Its hard for me to understand how the world around me can keep on turning when mine has come to a standstill.....My perfect little world....
I delivered my little girl and held her in my hands....she was so beautiful...so perfect....I will never forget that moment...
After delivering my daughter, things went downhill very fast. I was rushed to the hospital. I fought so hard to hold on, but I knew I was slipping away...I am blessed to still be here today and to be able to hold my boys in my arms....but this does not make the pain from loosing my little girl any easier...
What I am feeling is so different this time around....last time I was in complete shock - and I walked around numb...this time it is complete sadness...just so tired and so sad...the world is turning around me and I just stand still, lost in my memories, tears rolling down my face...
Reality is starting to set in now....my little girl is gone and she's not coming back....
I just don't know how to move on from here.....I know I will have to go through some testing to find out why I can longer carry these babies....I so deperatly want another baby...but I must admit.....I am scared to death. I couldn't handle another loss, I can't even handle this one....
I am trying so hard to smile around my boys - not to let them see me so sad....but inside I am broken and I am having a real hard time getting back up this time...wondering if I really want to....I know that time doesn't take away the pain, but with time you learn to live with it and you move on....
I hold my babies in my heart, even though I can't hold them in my arms.....
We are reliving our nightmare from last year...we can’t understand...
We are crushed...all we can do right now is hold on to each other and those around us and pray that we find comfort and strength...
To our little girl – you will always be a part of our family, we loved you from the start and will forever miss you...
Méliange Godmer
2010-05-21
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 Méliange Godmer May 21st, 2010 Born with angel wings We hold you in our hearts, even though we can no longer hold you in our arms... Never fade away... Maman, Papa, Olivier, Joshua & Jacob |
Gabriell's Angelversary...
April 17th, 2010
Today, April 17th is my little one's angelversary...
Already a year has passed, yet my arms still ache to hold you...forever in my heart, my little angel...
Days have gone by, they have turned into weeks, the weeks have turned into months...life around us slowly catches up with you...we move on...The days have gotten easier, but if I stop for only a minute, I can still feel the hurt in my heart, that little piece that will always be missing...I wipe away my tears and continue on....but never forgetting and always loving you....
I will never let you go, if you promise not to fade away, never fade away...I just wanted to hold you in my arms...I will be chasing your starlight until the end of my life....
Love you my little angel....
Gabriell Godmer
April 17th, 2009
Today, April 17th is my little one's angelversary...
Already a year has passed, yet my arms still ache to hold you...forever in my heart, my little angel...
Days have gone by, they have turned into weeks, the weeks have turned into months...life around us slowly catches up with you...we move on...The days have gotten easier, but if I stop for only a minute, I can still feel the hurt in my heart, that little piece that will always be missing...I wipe away my tears and continue on....but never forgetting and always loving you....
I will never let you go, if you promise not to fade away, never fade away...I just wanted to hold you in my arms...I will be chasing your starlight until the end of my life....
Love you my little angel....
Gabriell Godmer
April 17th, 2009
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| To Write Their Names in the Sand - Carly Marie Gabriell Godmer Born into Heaven April 17th, 2009 All our hopes and dreams, now carried on butterfly wings... Missing you... Maman, Papa, Oliver, Joshua & Jacob |
Our New Little One...
March 2010
A new beginning, a new life...
This was supposed to have been our last month of trying to conceive...my heart was broken, but I knew I had to give up on my dream of having another baby...that I would never find my "Somehwere over the Rainbow...". I was loosing myself in the journey and though every month I tried to grasp every ounce of hope, I knew that it was slipping away..and without hope, I had nothing left...
And while thinking the end had come, a new life was starting inside me...
So now, I start a new journey, towards the same destination, but hopefully along a different path, Looking towards a new horizon...But never forgetting the day you grew wings....
“Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope. Therefore my heart is glad and my soul rejoices, my body, too, abides in confidence.” Psalm 16
A new beginning, a new life...
This was supposed to have been our last month of trying to conceive...my heart was broken, but I knew I had to give up on my dream of having another baby...that I would never find my "Somehwere over the Rainbow...". I was loosing myself in the journey and though every month I tried to grasp every ounce of hope, I knew that it was slipping away..and without hope, I had nothing left...
"Never give up hope, for hope waits to be born in unlikely places, Hope is everwhere, you'll find it in the flowers, in the air, It's delivered to you by butterflies wearing different faces, When one softly brushes your cheek with a kiss, you'll know it's there....."(Thank you Arzu...)
And while thinking the end had come, a new life was starting inside me...
So now, I start a new journey, towards the same destination, but hopefully along a different path, Looking towards a new horizon...But never forgetting the day you grew wings....
“Keep me safe, O God; you are my hope. Therefore my heart is glad and my soul rejoices, my body, too, abides in confidence.” Psalm 16
Still Looking for my Somewhere Over the Rainbow...
October 2009
This is the first song I heard after loosing my little one - I had never noticed it started off by saying "this one's for Gabby" (we had named our little angel Gabriell) and so it took on a new meaning for me....Some days, I wonder if I will ever get my happy ending...my somewhere over the rainbow...
Carrying Gabriell, I thought I had reached my somewhere over the rainbow...but now I realize that it is still way up high - still a dream. For I don't get to hear all of my babies cry and I don't get to watch all of my babies grow.....But I have dared to dream that dream again...In my heart, I will forever be somewhere over that rainbow with Gab by my side....
OK this one's for Gabby
Ooooo oooooo ohoohohoo
Ooooo ohooohoo oooohoo
Ooooo ohoohooo oohoooo
Oohooo oohoooho ooooho
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I?
Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo ohoohohoo
Ooooo ohooohoo oooohoo
Ooooo ohoohooo oohoooo
Oohooo oohoooho ooooho
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I?
Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
- Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
Butterfly-Angel
September 2009
Do we like butterflies because they remind us of angels....Or are butterflies actually angels in disguise...
I received a beautiful pin. It is an angel with butterfly wings. It is blue and pink - the m/c awareness colours...My butterfly-angel pin.
Do we like butterflies because they remind us of angels....Or are butterflies actually angels in disguise...
I received a beautiful pin. It is an angel with butterfly wings. It is blue and pink - the m/c awareness colours...My butterfly-angel pin.
Until our next meeting
Destiny separated us,
but we will forever be together.
May this angel remind you I am near
In the winds gentle breeze,
in the fresh smell of flowers in the spring,
in the butterfly flying near,
you will feel me and
you will know that I am near,
and I am waiting the moment we meet again.
- J. Hinkle
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| Butterflies may visit us for a reason.... |
Moving On....
June 2009
Very slowly climbing back up - but still have a long way to go... Its harder than I could have ever imagined. When I used to hear of people loosing their babies, I felt bad for them, but I had no idea to what extent they were hurting...
We had been planning for this baby a whole year...all our plans as a family, so excited to be having another little one, excited to be pregnant with my sister - we were 5 weeks apart..., watching my belly grow, having the boys talk to the baby, feeling the baby move...all this gone...
I still cry a lot, it still hurts, but I have come to realize that the pain will never completely go away, that I will always cry for the baby we lost, but human beings are strong, and we are able to learn to live with the pain - and keep on living...
I know our little angel will always be with us - and this helps...
Life catches up with you - or rather the boys catch up with me - they keep me alive - keep me moving forward...
I am better though - I'm able to smile and can start laughing again...but I so wish I still had my baby.
Though its all over - deep down, I really still can't believe it happend to me...
I'm really happy for my sister - but her pregnancy is going to be real hard for me. I've told her that if I cry when I see her - I don't want her to ever think that I'm mad at her or anything like that...but its because it reminds me of how fast life can change - how precious every moment is - and how I miss my angel...
We are preparing a new journey...the journey of starting over once again...a very exciting...and yet very scary thought...
Very slowly climbing back up - but still have a long way to go... Its harder than I could have ever imagined. When I used to hear of people loosing their babies, I felt bad for them, but I had no idea to what extent they were hurting...
We had been planning for this baby a whole year...all our plans as a family, so excited to be having another little one, excited to be pregnant with my sister - we were 5 weeks apart..., watching my belly grow, having the boys talk to the baby, feeling the baby move...all this gone...
I still cry a lot, it still hurts, but I have come to realize that the pain will never completely go away, that I will always cry for the baby we lost, but human beings are strong, and we are able to learn to live with the pain - and keep on living...
I know our little angel will always be with us - and this helps...
Life catches up with you - or rather the boys catch up with me - they keep me alive - keep me moving forward...
I am better though - I'm able to smile and can start laughing again...but I so wish I still had my baby.
Though its all over - deep down, I really still can't believe it happend to me...
I'm really happy for my sister - but her pregnancy is going to be real hard for me. I've told her that if I cry when I see her - I don't want her to ever think that I'm mad at her or anything like that...but its because it reminds me of how fast life can change - how precious every moment is - and how I miss my angel...
We are preparing a new journey...the journey of starting over once again...a very exciting...and yet very scary thought...
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| Gabriell Godmer April 17th 2009 |
Never Got a Chance to Say Hello....Before Having to Whisper Good-Bye....
For the next few blogs, I will be stepping back...remembering....It was the start of this journey...wanting a 4th child to join our family....
April 17th, 2009
Never could I have imagined the news I would receive today...every mothers fear, has now become my reality...you looked so perfect, but you lay so still...I knew right away that you were gone....
When I went for my ultrasound , I received very bad news. My ultrasound showed a beautiful and perfect 13 week old baby, but without a heart beat. My doctor believes the little heart stopped beating less than 24 hours prior to the ultrasound. At that moment, my perfect little world stopped turning and crashed down to my feet. It felt like I had been hit by a bus. It was like I was in a dream - I couldn't believe it...I didn't want to believe it...this could not be happening...
So, here I am at home - with a body who still thinks is carrying a healthy little baby - I still have nausea, still have my beautiful belly, still feel so pregnant...
Even though I know it is over...I still can't seem to believe it. I am still in shock. I am heartbroken. I can't believe I will not have my baby belly this summer, that I won't get to hold my beautiful baby this fall...Its very hard for me to think that my baby was fighting for his life...and I didn't even know...I couldn't even hold him in my arms...
Right now, it feels as though I am in a very dark hole where I can't see the way out...and for right now, I am not ready to start looking for that light, that way out...
"I'll never let you go, if you promise not to fade away....I will be chasing a starlight until the end of my life...I just wanted to hold you in my arms"...
And for my little angel who was taken away from me much too early...I love you.
April 17th, 2009
Never could I have imagined the news I would receive today...every mothers fear, has now become my reality...you looked so perfect, but you lay so still...I knew right away that you were gone....
When I went for my ultrasound , I received very bad news. My ultrasound showed a beautiful and perfect 13 week old baby, but without a heart beat. My doctor believes the little heart stopped beating less than 24 hours prior to the ultrasound. At that moment, my perfect little world stopped turning and crashed down to my feet. It felt like I had been hit by a bus. It was like I was in a dream - I couldn't believe it...I didn't want to believe it...this could not be happening...
So, here I am at home - with a body who still thinks is carrying a healthy little baby - I still have nausea, still have my beautiful belly, still feel so pregnant...
Even though I know it is over...I still can't seem to believe it. I am still in shock. I am heartbroken. I can't believe I will not have my baby belly this summer, that I won't get to hold my beautiful baby this fall...Its very hard for me to think that my baby was fighting for his life...and I didn't even know...I couldn't even hold him in my arms...
Right now, it feels as though I am in a very dark hole where I can't see the way out...and for right now, I am not ready to start looking for that light, that way out...
"I'll never let you go, if you promise not to fade away....I will be chasing a starlight until the end of my life...I just wanted to hold you in my arms"...
And for my little angel who was taken away from me much too early...I love you.
Joining the World of Bloggers
So I have decided to join the world of bloggers. I wanted a place to keep past blogs that I had written, but also to add new ones...a place where I could come to remember, to share, to laugh, to cry...
And so here begins my new journey of blogging....if you have decided to join me through my ups and downs...enjoy the ride.
And so here begins my new journey of blogging....if you have decided to join me through my ups and downs...enjoy the ride.
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