For the next few blogs, I will be stepping back...remembering....It was the start of this journey...wanting a 4th child to join our family....
April 17th, 2009
Never could I have imagined the news I would receive today...every mothers fear, has now become my reality...you looked so perfect, but you lay so still...I knew right away that you were gone....
When I went for my ultrasound , I received very bad news. My ultrasound showed a beautiful and perfect 13 week old baby, but without a heart beat. My doctor believes the little heart stopped beating less than 24 hours prior to the ultrasound. At that moment, my perfect little world stopped turning and crashed down to my feet. It felt like I had been hit by a bus. It was like I was in a dream - I couldn't believe it...I didn't want to believe it...this could not be happening...
So, here I am at home - with a body who still thinks is carrying a healthy little baby - I still have nausea, still have my beautiful belly, still feel so pregnant...
Even though I know it is over...I still can't seem to believe it. I am still in shock. I am heartbroken. I can't believe I will not have my baby belly this summer, that I won't get to hold my beautiful baby this fall...Its very hard for me to think that my baby was fighting for his life...and I didn't even know...I couldn't even hold him in my arms...
Right now, it feels as though I am in a very dark hole where I can't see the way out...and for right now, I am not ready to start looking for that light, that way out...
"I'll never let you go, if you promise not to fade away....I will be chasing a starlight until the end of my life...I just wanted to hold you in my arms"...
And for my little angel who was taken away from me much too early...I love you.
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