Joshie

He runs in - and with closed eyes - puts his arms around me - then turns around and runs back to play...

Getting a big 6 year old hug - just because - could life be any sweeter...

My Josh

Week of Lasts...

It has been 12 years since we have begun this journey...

We have gone through the struggles of infertility treatments, the joys of delivering our three beautiful sons, the disappointments of year after year of trying, the heartbreak of loosing, the miracle of expecting once again...and now, it is all coming to an end...

The last week has arrived...

I have been waiting for it for nine months...and yet, feel as though it has creeped up on me...

I can't believe I am here...I can't believe WE are here...together...

My butterfly baby...

This week will be the last pictures we take of my beautiful pregnant belly...never again will I look at myself in the mirror and see the life that grows inside...

This week will be the last time I will experience the amazing feeling of a baby moving inside me...

This week will be my last doctors appointment - listening to the little heart that beats inside...

This week will be the last to enjoy and cherish this little one all to myself - this special bond that only we can share...

This week will be the last time I carry my unborn child...

This week will be the last time I bring a baby into the world...

This week, this chapter of my life will end...and I will miss it...

But my week of lasts...will also be a week of firsts...

I will watch my little one take his first breathe...hear his first cry...watch as he opens his eyes to the world...hold him for the first time...

So as my week of lasts, turns into a weeks of firsts, I will be smiling...

37 weeks...a few days before delivery...

Every second I get...is a miracle...

Watching Him Grow

Today I stood back and looked at my nine year old son Olivier...mon petit coco...and I asked myself - where has time gone...

The past six months have completely changed him - he grew up before our eyes...

Just a few months ago, he was asked to name his favorite song...and could not even think of one...and here we are today - his i-pod in his ears - listening to his favorite music...

"Mom, I have something to tell you that you won't like...I don't really like Jack Johnson"

At that moment I realized that it is now His music, His decisions, no longer mine....

I watch him with his friends...becoming so independent...watch him e-mail them on facebook...watching him change in so many ways...

He is seeing the world through his own eyes...with his own decisions, his own insights, his own views...becoming more independent, more mature, more responsible...he loves to help us...he looks out for his little brothers...he looks out for me....how proud he is making me...

And as I watch him grow, watch him change, I also realize that our relationship is also changing, also growing...we talk to each other, we are close, I can now see the bond we have...and I cherish every moment...

So today, as I watch him grow...I wish I could hang on to him...but know I must let him go...

If only I could freeze time...just for a moment...

One Giant Step

Today, 8 days away from delivery, I decided it was time...

Time to cut the price tags from the little undershirts, the little pyjamas...time to wash them...time to hang them...time to fold them...time to tuck them into the tiny drawers...time to take that step...

Funny, with my first son, I remember this moment being one of complete joy and excitement...the clothes were washed, the room was ready, months before his arrival...

But here we are today, my heart telling me its okay...its time to move forward...to take that step...but at the same time, still so scared...so scared to hurt again....

So what seems like such a tiny step for most...for an angel mommy... this step was huge...

Counting Days

How strange it is to think I can now count down days...instead of weeks...instead of months....

How incredible to think that this journey is coming to an end....

How unbelievable it is to think, that days from now, this little miracle will be in our arms...that a whole new journey is about to begin....

The Diaper Bag

After cloth diapers, came the all important decision of which diaper bag to choose...

Funny, how little trivial things such as diapers and how to carry them, can take up so much of my thoughts...But, maybe this was a way to allow myself to get excited about our new little one...a way to allow myself to believe that this baby would really be coming home...a way to hang on to hope and for a single moment, allow myself to forget how quickly this could all be taken away from me...

So I allowed myself to get excited about finding the perfect diaper bag...allowed myself, for just a moment, to act like a normal expectant mom...

And my choice?

The Skip Hop Duo Deluxe.

It now sits in the empty nursery...waiting for that day...that unbelievable day...

The Big Move

Olivier's & Joshua's new room

Our two oldest boys have officially moved their rooms into the basement...they are growing up...taking bigger steps...

For them, this move is full of excitement - a new adventure...

For mommy, this one tiny step is huge...a first step away from me...no longer needing to be next to us...a big boy step of independence...

Full of excitement for them, I tuck them in and kiss them good-night...and wipe away my tears...

Jacob's big boy room

And with this move, my four year old Jacob inherited the big boy room. Out of the pastel colour nursery that has been his room since we brought him home from the hospital...and into the brightly coloured room of a big boy. How time flies...



I now stand in the empty nursery...still unable to believe that it won't remain empty for long...the bed will soon be up...his name hanging on the wall...little pyjamas hanging in the closet...and I will be rocking him to sleep...it all seems unbelievable... 
And I smile....I smile....

The nursery....