Butterfly Visits

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Big Step...

This week

I allowed myself to take a big step

Buying something pink...

For the very first time...

From the very moment we saw those two beautiful lines...I have been holding onto hope...Praying...Believing...

Knowing how fragile life is...Remembering the sadness...The pain...Fearing that loss...

And though everything has been going so well...Almost text book perfection...I am scared...Scared of tomorrow...Scared of the unknown...Scared of loosing once again...Scared of hurting...Scared that my world will once again crumble at my feet...

I want to sit back...To relax...To enjoy...

I want to be excited...

But fear remains...Like an unwelcome visitor...Always there...Always lurking...

I had hoped that after my anatomy scan...Seeing my little one so healthy...So perfect...Feeling her move...Hearing the beautiful sound of her heartbeat...That I would finally begin to relax...To truely enjoy...

But I was wrong...

It almost feels as though my fear has doubled...

I am carrying a little girl...

My perfect ending to this chapter of my life...

But all I can think of...Is that my last little girl...Never made it home...

I don't bring home little girls...

So here I am...23 weeks spent with my little girl inside me...Only 14 left to go...

I want so much to allow myself to be excited...To be able to enjoy every moment...

So I'm trying...I'm trying...

Butterfly Visits